If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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