i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
