I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I've blown a few things in my day
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
