rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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