hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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