I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
