I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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