I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
