found the other keg... it's in the tree
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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