i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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