She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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