i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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