YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
