She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
