I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
