I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Houston, we have a blender
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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