My friends, they love my intelligence
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
