dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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