you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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