I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's rum buckets o'clock
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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