Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
