never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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