The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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