This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish I only lived at night.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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