Your face is a jimmy john
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
