I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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