i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Why can't burritos get me drunk
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
