My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
