I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
