apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
