my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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