she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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