Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
