you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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