yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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