he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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