he told me I talked like a deaf person
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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