i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
