Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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