Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
