it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
