I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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