Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
