I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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