At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
