I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
