And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I hate all girls vehemently.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
