I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
