do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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