So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
